Relocated.... A look back!

My husband and I moved to Dublin from Bangalore, India around 5 years ago and made this place our home since. Dublin is green, wet and for most parts quiet, oh wait, I’m talking about the city this was 5 years ago. It is still green and definitely wet, but now not so quiet anymore. You know you are a true Dubliner if or rather when you find yourself complaining about the the weather!
Everyday living
Dublin has good infrastructure, well most of it is. It’s clean and the city has a friendly vibe, even a complete stranger says ‘hello’ with a smile. It is multi-cultural with expats from different parts of the world living and working here.
It’s a great city to walk, especially along the Liffey river, from Hueston to The Point, with the city center in the middle, crossing the ‘impossible to miss’ 120 m high Spire, a towering symbol of the Celtic Tiger days, iconic Ha’Pennny Bridge and the beautiful Harp Bridge on the way. It also has great parks, like Stephens Green, Phoenix Park, Irish War Memorial and beautiful Literary parks.
Rent and Housing
Since the bailout and recovery, the rents have steadily sky-rocketed and in some area, if there is a house available buying the property and paying the monthly payments is significantly cheaper than renting the house! I recently moved houses and found that the average rent in the city is anywhere between €1,000 to €1,500 for a single bedroom apartment.
My challenges
I came here on a Dependent Visa. Although Dependents/Spouses cannot work without a permit. My toughest challenge has been finding a job suited for my qualifications. Dublin is a tech-haven with giants like Amazon, Facebook, Google, Dell and Hooli to name a few. OK, there is no Hooli here but it is still a little Silicon Valley of its own. If you are looking for a job outside the IT, ITES, customer support or medical field, it can be tough as the option are few.  It is always best to look for a job before coming here rather than after.
Healthcare
It can be a challenge as private care it is expensive and the public healthcare struggles to keep up with the rising demand. The waiting time in an Emergency Unit could be up to 10 hours as a result of inadequate staffing and over crowding. A few years ago I injured my back and it took a full year to get an appointment to see the Spine Specialist through the Public system.
Of course, as always, things seem to be changing now with some private hospitals having next day appointments with specialists.
In spite of a few challenges and set backs, Ireland is my home, for now. This is a relatively safe place. As an Indian-origin woman in Ireland, I’d be lying if I said that in my five years here I have never been at the receiving end hurtful racist remarks but they are mostly rare instances and definitely not the norm here. Most people are educated and seem friendly.
The Irish way…
Generally people seem to have a work-life balance. On a rare sunny day, the atmosphere on the streets turns festive.
Restaurants and Pubs here are amazing! Restaurateurs and the wait-staff are accommodating and care a great deal about the customers here, especially if you are a ‘regular’.
While the Irish people might be know for their ‘happy-go-lucky’ attitude, they also know how to introspect and are able or at least try to keep up with changing times. The Equal Marriage Act of 2015 that supports the same-sex marriage shows that Ireland is not a state with parochial values anymore.

Served!

 
Time heals all wounds but in Nirbhaya's case it took 4 years, 4 months and 23 days to be exact!  Nirbhaya died but a nation was left scarred and numb as the horror of the gut-wrenching ordeal endured by a young woman all of 23 years and her friend was splashed across newspapers all over the world. The wound may not have healed but it is a start! Justice was finally delivered.

The criminals got what they deserved, but what we got to see in this jaded world is people - all Indians - men and women, young and old, irrespective of all the differences that characterize us, finally agreeing on something, and today the nation lets out a sigh of relief as justice was served.

They say that the true nature of who we are can be gauged by our actions and behavior when we think no one was watching. But what happens if these same actions somehow make their way to the headlines and subject to scrutiny of the world? The criminals thought no one was watching and their behavior was way more reprehensible than words could describe.

The gross violation of humanity on that fateful in December 2012, left a young girl, a budding physical-therapist, raped and physically mutilated. But it was her undaunting spirit, her insurmountable courage, her will to live long enough to make her statements against the perpetrators that finally vindicated the braveheart today! Their conviction and punishment is the least this world owes her and her family.

Nirbhaya may not have been alive to see the unconditional support of a nation, the candle-light vigils, the protests demanding justice, complete strangers enduring lathi-charge to get the Government to wake up and take action, but what we can do to truly honor her memory is to make sure that no other woman should have to undergo this horror.

We must educate our children to respect one another. Let's not force our daughters to 'cover up for their own safety', there is not a garment long enough in the world that can protect one from the patriarchal mindset. That garment just does not exist. Let's teach our sons to not rape. Let's explain consent. Teach them that 'no means no' and it is a perfectly valid answer. It does not make them any less of a 'man' when they face rejection, rather makes them a decent member of the society to accept it and move on. No matter how difficult it may seem, talk to them, engage with them, make them feel safe enough to open-up, rather than brood or feel the need to vindicate themselves by attacking someone. Let's enable our girls to stand up for themselves. Well, let's explain consent to them as well.

Polemics aside, irrespective of beliefs, equip children- boys and girls, with education. Before you dismiss classroom learning or say that educated people too commit crimes, understand that education is a start. It gives us an understanding and a perspective of ourselves and others, an idea of our larger role in the society. It equips us with the ability to distinguish, if not choose, right from wrong. It is only a beginning, but a solid one and we need it.

Wishful thinking? Well, even if it is, it is better to try and fail, than give up. It is the only true way to honor Nirbhaya and turn the incredibly painful night into a new dawn. We owe it to ourselves, to the future and more importantly to Nirbhaya herself.


--Urooj Fathima

...In Pain...

As a child I often thought suffering and diseases and pain were a part of life... of later life... say, when you are feeble and 80. But when you are barely 30 and 'struck' with misery, you are at a loss of the very perception of life you held and thought to be the truth. You suddenly realize, you don't know life at all... you have to reevaluate everything... your notion of youth and its exploitation, your to-do list for various stages of your adult-life and your plans for a future which has now become your present... In a moment you are not just inflicted physically, you stand at the very threshold of life which is no longer the same as you thought, planned and once knew!

Readjusting your ideas, beliefs and perceptions is hard but changing everyday habits... well, now you have officially crossed-over to an alternate universe where talking involves flapping your ears and eating means batting your eyelids!
Think this is an exaggeration? Just ask someone to go cold-turkey on smoking or worse, the most addictive drug known to man and woman, chocolate!

Chronic pain, stemming from physical ailments and injuries is tough, exhausting, well, a real pain-in-the-you-know-where... And God save you if your pain is actually coming from your rear, you really have to re-learn the basic movements like picking, walking and sitting, you took for granted all your life and never gave a rat's ass before! Well, now you do. Welcome to your new life. You just cant sit on it. Pun intended!

Sometimes, you find yourself envying anyone whose biggest worry is to meet a deadline. Did I say, there is every possibility you might have to quit your job? It all becomes about 'those small things' you miss...The daily battle before you step out to work, that starts with the smashing of your alarm clock. The rush to accomplish certain critical tasks, with the mastered art of sprinting all along. Like, shoveling food in your mouth and simultaneously picking your bags. Oops! you just dropped some papers from the file and just when you thought you are out-of-the-woods, crap! you have to run back into the house because you forgot the life-saving phone charger. Breathing a sigh of relief, you are striding out and OUCH! you knocked the soft part of your knee on a meticulously camouflaged  piece of furniture like your couch, something that only you are capable of!
You grind your teeth real hard so those expletives are not hurling like a artillery on a battlefield, for all your neighbours to hear... You are in the car, thinking the worse is behind you and the traffic is just a sad little reminder of your illusions for the day coming crashing down right before your eyes and HARD!

You realize that among the things you miss from your previous life are not those snazzy nights, painting the town red but these mundane, laborious and banal activities you hated...everyday! You cant help but feel a little pathetic..really! Then you are sad and the little voice in your head starts harassing you with "I should have done that" speech. And now you are depressed and finally insane! Sadly, its just another day!

Wounds need caring and  dressing. The ones that are visible are easier to cover and on some days, exact some sympathy (trust me, you need it at times).
But how do you account for a prolonged course of anguish, frustration and unproductivity to even your nearest and dearest when the injuries are literally beneath the surface? It's hard... for you and those around you... The channel of disruption goes both ways, you see...

They say time is a great healer. Well, sometimes that is exactly what you are running out of... along with your peace of mind and tons of pain meds. Frankly, that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Even after one too many adjustments and paradigm shifts in the perception of life, what does not change is the pinching and aching that starts in the morning and ends...well, I will be the first to tell you when it happens....


--Urooj Fathima

Cold and cozy

Temperatures suddenly plummeted by at least 10 degrees this week in Dublin and the rest of Ireland. It's currently 11° Celsius in Dublin and the highest temperatures ranging between 8° C to 12°C in rest of Ireland. The daytime might be cool, dry and fresh today, however, the nighttime temperatures are set to drop to a shivering 1° C to 4°C, all across the country.

The trees, everywhere, have the robust autumnal yellow, green and red foliage spilling over the driveways and the backyards, the parks and the streets, as if to inject life and beauty in the shorter days.

It's also the time to change the wardrobe to suit the weather.

Hey, it's so not like me to make up excuses to go shopping! No. Really. Okay you got me!

What is that about winter and Fashion? It's as if splurging is the prerequisite to this season. Dressed from head-to-toe with handpicked, snug outfits, everyone look 'proper' and elegant. The faux fur coats, the cashmere scarves, the calfskin heel boots, the suede or leather gloves and the colorful beanies make a versatile style statement for the ladies.

The elegant Chesterfield coats, the multi colored scarves, the fleece gloves, the flat wool caps with a short brim complete the classic handsome look.

Let's not forget the duffel slippers that everyone needs with their fleece pajamas at home, while sipping the hot coca with the fire-place crackling in the background.

Another winter favorite are the chunky cabled sweaters and cardigans knit with the Celtic yarn or the Aran yarn that remain an eternal Irish fashion fetish. It can be knit for men and women. It looks adorable on kids too. Many knitters take it as a personal challenge to get the cables perfect like their mammies and grandmas!

It's a great time to dust-off those needles and crochet hooks or even start a new hobby. Both men and women can make wonders with the right yarn and attitude. Knitting is a fun way to keep the fingers nimble and the mind agile. With tons of free tutorials on Youtube, coveted patterns shared by the online community of crochet 'hookers' and knitting geniuses, it's not the sky, but your imagination, that is the limit!

The joy of making something with your hands for your loved ones that stays with them long after the turkey is digested, now that's a gift!

The daylight may be getting shorter, but streets and shopping centers are only going to get busier. With the clock ticking (albeit an hour back) and the daylight reducing by the day, at least the vibrant colors outside and the million things to shop for everyone, are a reminder that it's just 50 days to Christmas. Yes, the countdown has begun!

Urooj Fathima 

Harassed

I recently watched a video of a woman walking down the streets of New York, being harassed a total of 108 times in ten hours! I also watched the one titled ‘man in New York’ walking and sharing his experience. The original and the parody, both are doing the rounds on the net, being posted and reposted, commented and condemned, by millions around the world.

In just about 24 hours since the ‘experiment’ was conducted by actress Shoshana B.Roberts, the video has attracted over 15 million views on the net. Whoa! All hail the power of the mighty Internet.

As I watched a straight-faced Shoshana walking down the streets of New York, as she is sometimes greeted but mostly cat-called, harassed and stalked, all with a stoic nonchalance. I couldn’t help but think of the many times I had to watch my back on the street, at the bus stop, in the movie theater, in the elevator and I can go on.. because some men feel that they can whistle, cat-call, sing , leer, stare and even paw off at me or any other girl. All this because some men seem to confuse the public spaces to be their personal ‘harems’ to which they have unlimited access! It’s not just frustrating but scary at times and it doesn’t help that some can go from zero to ‘outrage’ in ten seconds.

Shoshana walks with a single-minded determination to ‘expose’ the daily ordeal of a woman on streets. The barrage of comments on the video ranged from sympathy, to apology, to pointing out her ‘vanity’ and took a dangerous turn to the ‘rape threats’! Boy that escalated quickly!

A ‘rape threat’, really? For a video on sexual harassment? Oh the irony! or Oh the patriarchy?

Let’s see, an exposé on sexual harassment  can have truly diverse opinions and responses. It could be empathy, denial or even dismissal but CAN rape be one of them? Since when did it become an option? Or has it been the case all along? The real issue now is not so much the offense (i.e., the ordeal of that woman on the street…) It is the fact that, the response to it is an even bigger offense. Too confusing? Quite like the issue itself. On the one hand, men and women all over the world who watched Emma Watson deliver the heart-felt speech at the UN HeForShe campaign, are loving or/and hating, but at-least talking about the dreaded ‘F’ word- ‘feminism’. On the other, the ‘response’ to being harassed on street is not moral outrage, but the moral outage!

Forget the dirty leering, unwelcome touching and obscene gestures but even using seemingly ‘innocent’ names like ‘sweetie’, ‘beauty’, ‘babe’,etc. may appear harmless at the outset but the point is, it is NOT your right, place or privilege to do that to a complete stranger. It is NOT flattering, it is not wanted. It is not welcome. JUST STOP IT!, for it is a woman’s space too!    Oh! Also, did I forget to mention a dress is not an invitation for sexual harassment?
‘He’ does not have to be FOR ‘She’. He and She can definitely co-exist but only if there is room and respect for both on the streets, in the restaurants, in the means of public transport, in the theaters, hell, even in the dark alleyways.  We don’t need sermons on ‘feminism’ and ‘gender equality’, just sanity and common sense. ‘ShewithHe’

-Urooj Fathima

Child-free

                  To have or not have is the question of the hour!


Yes, you read it right! It’s ‘child-free’ and NOT ‘child-less’. One implies physiological inability and the other is a right and an option.
I (and my husband, of course) choose a life without kids. No, we are not misanthropes, yes, we had a great childhood and most importantly, we are very secure adults. I cannot possibly stress enough, the fact that its a choice…a conscious decision to lead a life without children.


Today, gender transformation, homosexuality, atheism etc. are not taboos.
I am not equating these issues with being child-free. They are not the same, I agree. But the point I am trying to make is the same. My life, my choice and I am not apologetic about it!


Being child-free is not an easy decision to make.  It requires more effort and investment than planning a child! You have to be very sure of everything. Yes, I mean everything…. you have to do a lot of soul searching along with your partner if you two are ‘enough’. Do you complete each other? Do you really think this long life is even without the joys that do come along with a kid? Will I ever regret not having kids in future? Can you survive the social pressure? Can you take another one of those pitiful looks you get each time you tell someone you have no kids what so ever? How do you deal with look of ‘horror’ on the faces of people, akin to that of a 6 year old on learning ‘there is no Santa’!

Over and above, do you really want to ‘go’ without leaving anyone behind? These life-changing doubts and questions are difficult enough without being subject to scrutiny from every Tom, Dick and Harry. Add the ticking time-bomb of a biological clock… Yes, that’s pressure! Too many questions and very few people to understand and/or consult with.


Well, kudos to the people who do it. But not being a parent is not an endless parties, evasion of responsibilities, concerts and evenings out. In fact, its about a quiet night, a meaningful conversation with your spouse, investment of time, energy and youth in doing something you want to and not something you have to! It’s about steering your life in a direction you want to.


I am not saying these joys are not possible with kids, but to say that a life without one is ‘incomplete’ or ‘superficial’ is plain wrong. In fact, it is a decision of such magnitude that it  involves more consideration and planning than a decision to have have kids! It requires a certain level of selflessness to make peace, going against a very primal urge to procreation, to not leave your biological imprint behind!


It is also a moral stand against the notion that a woman is a birthing machine!
There are a thousand reasons to have a child and a thousand arguments to not have one… BUT only one is right…the right of a child to be born in a family that loves and wants it. Otherwise, you are doing it for the wrong reasons.


Everyone wants to wake up in the morning to have something to look forward to, and just because the ‘bundle of joy’ does not come wrapped in a poopy diaper, does not mean that life cannot be worthwhile!

– Urooj Fathima

Lonely...

Yes, the title is a little depressing! In a world where one can track events in advance, remain in touch with anyone, anywhere and anytime, it’s sad to see a 25 year old take her own life! Last night Jiah Khan killed herself and left the world shocked!

Jiah Khan sadly, is not the first and unfortunately, wont be the last to take her own life. Yet, one would hope that people, young and old, take note from their predecessors. The very thought of ‘suicide’ is chilling and morbid and when those in limelight resort to it, it makes us just stop and take note for a while.

Agreed, she was no Marilyn Monroe. But were the two that different, really? Whatever the course of their individual lives may have been, sadly, the climax remains the same. In fact, its not just them, many beautiful and successful women, across time and continents have shocked the world with their untimely deaths. The world may have lusted after them, but they remained lovelorn and lonely till the very end!

Silk Smitha, Nafisa Joseph, Viveka Babaji and unfortunately, some more died before their talent was showcased to the fullest. I cannot also help but wonder what goes on in the lives of some of these very beautiful, very talented people, who are young, fit, rich  and famous. They seem to ‘have it all’ and yet nothing!

Take for example, the lives of the ultimate ‘sex symbols’ Zeenat Aman, Rekha or the late Parveen Babi  for that matter. They all have something in common, glamour,  beauty and stardom, yeah sure, but also loneliness and heartbreak!

One would think that life is so very easy for these women, who have a burgeoning male following, in addition to the very coveted fame and success. Still, these ‘to die for’ beauties have endured duress and abuse and chased ‘the one’, who gave them nothing but heartache and pain. Maybe it is lonely at the top!

The most beautiful women across time have the knack for picking the most incorrigible men for themselves. The whole world may pine for them but there is always the one who won't. Guess, the heart wants what it wants…

Even as I am writing this, I wonder if I am writing about ‘stars’ and the perils of stardom in particular or ‘regular’ people in general.

After all, we are all on an elusive quest for the ‘one’, person, thing or opportunity that will complete us… It is not always fun to wait and as Shakespeare says, “Sad hours seem long”…..

It may seem easier to retreat but we will always wonder just how close we were to the finishing line!


---Urooj Fathima