...In Pain...

As a child I often thought suffering and diseases and pain were a part of life... of later life... say, when you are feeble and 80. But when you are barely 30 and 'struck' with misery, you are at a loss of the very perception of life you held and thought to be the truth. You suddenly realize, you don't know life at all... you have to reevaluate everything... your notion of youth and its exploitation, your to-do list for various stages of your adult-life and your plans for a future which has now become your present... In a moment you are not just inflicted physically, you stand at the very threshold of life which is no longer the same as you thought, planned and once knew!

Readjusting your ideas, beliefs and perceptions is hard but changing everyday habits... well, now you have officially crossed-over to an alternate universe where talking involves flapping your ears and eating means batting your eyelids!
Think this is an exaggeration? Just ask someone to go cold-turkey on smoking or worse, the most addictive drug known to man and woman, chocolate!

Chronic pain, stemming from physical ailments and injuries is tough, exhausting, well, a real pain-in-the-you-know-where... And God save you if your pain is actually coming from your rear, you really have to re-learn the basic movements like picking, walking and sitting, you took for granted all your life and never gave a rat's ass before! Well, now you do. Welcome to your new life. You just cant sit on it. Pun intended!

Sometimes, you find yourself envying anyone whose biggest worry is to meet a deadline. Did I say, there is every possibility you might have to quit your job? It all becomes about 'those small things' you miss...The daily battle before you step out to work, that starts with the smashing of your alarm clock. The rush to accomplish certain critical tasks, with the mastered art of sprinting all along. Like, shoveling food in your mouth and simultaneously picking your bags. Oops! you just dropped some papers from the file and just when you thought you are out-of-the-woods, crap! you have to run back into the house because you forgot the life-saving phone charger. Breathing a sigh of relief, you are striding out and OUCH! you knocked the soft part of your knee on a meticulously camouflaged  piece of furniture like your couch, something that only you are capable of!
You grind your teeth real hard so those expletives are not hurling like a artillery on a battlefield, for all your neighbours to hear... You are in the car, thinking the worse is behind you and the traffic is just a sad little reminder of your illusions for the day coming crashing down right before your eyes and HARD!

You realize that among the things you miss from your previous life are not those snazzy nights, painting the town red but these mundane, laborious and banal activities you hated...everyday! You cant help but feel a little pathetic..really! Then you are sad and the little voice in your head starts harassing you with "I should have done that" speech. And now you are depressed and finally insane! Sadly, its just another day!

Wounds need caring and  dressing. The ones that are visible are easier to cover and on some days, exact some sympathy (trust me, you need it at times).
But how do you account for a prolonged course of anguish, frustration and unproductivity to even your nearest and dearest when the injuries are literally beneath the surface? It's hard... for you and those around you... The channel of disruption goes both ways, you see...

They say time is a great healer. Well, sometimes that is exactly what you are running out of... along with your peace of mind and tons of pain meds. Frankly, that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Even after one too many adjustments and paradigm shifts in the perception of life, what does not change is the pinching and aching that starts in the morning and ends...well, I will be the first to tell you when it happens....


--Urooj Fathima

Lonely...

Yes, the title is a little depressing! In a world where one can track events in advance, remain in touch with anyone, anywhere and anytime, it’s sad to see a 25 year old take her own life! Last night Jiah Khan killed herself and left the world shocked!

Jiah Khan sadly, is not the first and unfortunately, wont be the last to take her own life. Yet, one would hope that people, young and old, take note from their predecessors. The very thought of ‘suicide’ is chilling and morbid and when those in limelight resort to it, it makes us just stop and take note for a while.

Agreed, she was no Marilyn Monroe. But were the two that different, really? Whatever the course of their individual lives may have been, sadly, the climax remains the same. In fact, its not just them, many beautiful and successful women, across time and continents have shocked the world with their untimely deaths. The world may have lusted after them, but they remained lovelorn and lonely till the very end!

Silk Smitha, Nafisa Joseph, Viveka Babaji and unfortunately, some more died before their talent was showcased to the fullest. I cannot also help but wonder what goes on in the lives of some of these very beautiful, very talented people, who are young, fit, rich  and famous. They seem to ‘have it all’ and yet nothing!

Take for example, the lives of the ultimate ‘sex symbols’ Zeenat Aman, Rekha or the late Parveen Babi  for that matter. They all have something in common, glamour,  beauty and stardom, yeah sure, but also loneliness and heartbreak!

One would think that life is so very easy for these women, who have a burgeoning male following, in addition to the very coveted fame and success. Still, these ‘to die for’ beauties have endured duress and abuse and chased ‘the one’, who gave them nothing but heartache and pain. Maybe it is lonely at the top!

The most beautiful women across time have the knack for picking the most incorrigible men for themselves. The whole world may pine for them but there is always the one who won't. Guess, the heart wants what it wants…

Even as I am writing this, I wonder if I am writing about ‘stars’ and the perils of stardom in particular or ‘regular’ people in general.

After all, we are all on an elusive quest for the ‘one’, person, thing or opportunity that will complete us… It is not always fun to wait and as Shakespeare says, “Sad hours seem long”…..

It may seem easier to retreat but we will always wonder just how close we were to the finishing line!


---Urooj Fathima

Bright and Sunny!

Ah! the ‘summer exuberance’ is here. Its time to celebrate, rejoice and bask in the glory of the summer sun. Open the windows and let the summer breeze in! Time to enjoy the abundance of foliage, long and warm days, the uninhibited sunshine, and even the mad rush on streets. After the pitch-dark winter this is just the ‘doctor-ordered’ sliver of gleam! 

Spring retreats and heralds the arrival of the glorious sunny days ahead. The former lays the ground work for the visual treat, the picturesque blossom, the resurrection of life itself that is the summer months. There is a spirit of joy in the air! The trees dancing as the gentle breeze naughtily hazes them, the flowers in their full bloom beckon the onlookers, as if to reach out to them, to stop them and coerce them to just look at them. Beauty, vigour and sparkle seem to be the flavour of the season.

The endless supply of sunshine translates itself as opportunity, hope and joy of life itself. Summer comes as the harbinger of love, laughter, growth and all the goodness of life. The continuous chirping of the birds, the animals grazing the lush green grass and people sunbathing, taking time to travel, kids scooting on their bicycles are a few of the fabulous gifts of summer. In fact, even in the places where summer is synonymous with heat it comes as a welcome break and a time to ‘getaway’, unwind and enjoy the many wonders of the season. 

Above all the joys that summer brings along is its enchanting warmth. This warmth gives us strength to carry on. It is a reassurance that even the bleakest of winters is not faraway from the gleeful radiance of summer. So go and ‘sweat it out’. Enjoy the summer splendour before its time to hang up the sandals and take out the duffel boots!

--Urooj Fathima