Child-free

                  To have or not have is the question of the hour!


Yes, you read it right! It’s ‘child-free’ and NOT ‘child-less’. One implies physiological inability and the other is a right and an option.
I (and my husband, of course) choose a life without kids. No, we are not misanthropes, yes, we had a great childhood and most importantly, we are very secure adults. I cannot possibly stress enough, the fact that its a choice…a conscious decision to lead a life without children.


Today, gender transformation, homosexuality, atheism etc. are not taboos.
I am not equating these issues with being child-free. They are not the same, I agree. But the point I am trying to make is the same. My life, my choice and I am not apologetic about it!


Being child-free is not an easy decision to make.  It requires more effort and investment than planning a child! You have to be very sure of everything. Yes, I mean everything…. you have to do a lot of soul searching along with your partner if you two are ‘enough’. Do you complete each other? Do you really think this long life is even without the joys that do come along with a kid? Will I ever regret not having kids in future? Can you survive the social pressure? Can you take another one of those pitiful looks you get each time you tell someone you have no kids what so ever? How do you deal with look of ‘horror’ on the faces of people, akin to that of a 6 year old on learning ‘there is no Santa’!

Over and above, do you really want to ‘go’ without leaving anyone behind? These life-changing doubts and questions are difficult enough without being subject to scrutiny from every Tom, Dick and Harry. Add the ticking time-bomb of a biological clock… Yes, that’s pressure! Too many questions and very few people to understand and/or consult with.


Well, kudos to the people who do it. But not being a parent is not an endless parties, evasion of responsibilities, concerts and evenings out. In fact, its about a quiet night, a meaningful conversation with your spouse, investment of time, energy and youth in doing something you want to and not something you have to! It’s about steering your life in a direction you want to.


I am not saying these joys are not possible with kids, but to say that a life without one is ‘incomplete’ or ‘superficial’ is plain wrong. In fact, it is a decision of such magnitude that it  involves more consideration and planning than a decision to have have kids! It requires a certain level of selflessness to make peace, going against a very primal urge to procreation, to not leave your biological imprint behind!


It is also a moral stand against the notion that a woman is a birthing machine!
There are a thousand reasons to have a child and a thousand arguments to not have one… BUT only one is right…the right of a child to be born in a family that loves and wants it. Otherwise, you are doing it for the wrong reasons.


Everyone wants to wake up in the morning to have something to look forward to, and just because the ‘bundle of joy’ does not come wrapped in a poopy diaper, does not mean that life cannot be worthwhile!

– Urooj Fathima

Lonely...

Yes, the title is a little depressing! In a world where one can track events in advance, remain in touch with anyone, anywhere and anytime, it’s sad to see a 25 year old take her own life! Last night Jiah Khan killed herself and left the world shocked!

Jiah Khan sadly, is not the first and unfortunately, wont be the last to take her own life. Yet, one would hope that people, young and old, take note from their predecessors. The very thought of ‘suicide’ is chilling and morbid and when those in limelight resort to it, it makes us just stop and take note for a while.

Agreed, she was no Marilyn Monroe. But were the two that different, really? Whatever the course of their individual lives may have been, sadly, the climax remains the same. In fact, its not just them, many beautiful and successful women, across time and continents have shocked the world with their untimely deaths. The world may have lusted after them, but they remained lovelorn and lonely till the very end!

Silk Smitha, Nafisa Joseph, Viveka Babaji and unfortunately, some more died before their talent was showcased to the fullest. I cannot also help but wonder what goes on in the lives of some of these very beautiful, very talented people, who are young, fit, rich  and famous. They seem to ‘have it all’ and yet nothing!

Take for example, the lives of the ultimate ‘sex symbols’ Zeenat Aman, Rekha or the late Parveen Babi  for that matter. They all have something in common, glamour,  beauty and stardom, yeah sure, but also loneliness and heartbreak!

One would think that life is so very easy for these women, who have a burgeoning male following, in addition to the very coveted fame and success. Still, these ‘to die for’ beauties have endured duress and abuse and chased ‘the one’, who gave them nothing but heartache and pain. Maybe it is lonely at the top!

The most beautiful women across time have the knack for picking the most incorrigible men for themselves. The whole world may pine for them but there is always the one who won't. Guess, the heart wants what it wants…

Even as I am writing this, I wonder if I am writing about ‘stars’ and the perils of stardom in particular or ‘regular’ people in general.

After all, we are all on an elusive quest for the ‘one’, person, thing or opportunity that will complete us… It is not always fun to wait and as Shakespeare says, “Sad hours seem long”…..

It may seem easier to retreat but we will always wonder just how close we were to the finishing line!


---Urooj Fathima

In Switzerland....

Ages ago, the very sensuos Sridervi (Bollywood actress), crooned to a melodious song, 'Tere mere honton pe' in the film 'Chandini'. I didnt like the film, mainly because I was too young to understand what was going on there. As a kid, I watched the song and all I took from it was the image of Sridevi in a bright yellow Saree and the breathtaking backdrop of Switzerland. Of course, I didnt realize then, that this image, well, not so much of Sridevi but the lush green locale in the song would go on to become a life-long fascination with Switzerland.

The beautiful landscape with snow-covered peaks, the boistrous colours of the flowers, the crystal clear rivers and lakes, the clean roads, the beautiful trains and of course, the much talked about 'Swiss perfection', makes this country a very popular tourist destination.

For most Indians, if not all, the very mention of Switzerland makes us feel like hopeless romantics. It is synonymous with romance (not necessarily love!) or the idea of 'falling' in love. Especially so, for those who grew up watching the bubbly 'Simran' being swept off her feet by the debonair 'Raj' in the movie that epitomizes romance (strictly personal view!). 

'Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge'(DDLJ), may not be the greatest movie ever made, but it certainly created a notion of what romance is or should be all about. The very tag-line of this film, 'come fall in love', transports the audience into a world of love and laughter, songs and soul-mates....A world where it is OK to be vulnerable and clichéd though this may sound, love trumps all odds.

No, this blog is not an homage to DDLJ, which brings me back to the Swiss connection with romance and Indians. Switzerland has been the hotspot and the 'it' location for most of the romantic hindi songs for a long time now and for obvious reasons. But it was DDLJ that made falling in love more spectacular if it happened on a Euro rail trip, especially in this beautiful Valley. 

Ever since I watched it, I too wanted to meet someone special, fall in love and burst into song in the Alpine bliss. Well, I did meet someone, fall in love, but the 'Alpine bliss' part had to wait.

It happened last month, the Genie was out of the bottle and my wish was granted. It was time to fly to the dainty land where birds sing and the flowers croon. By now this particular blog has probably given you an idea about what a realistic person I am...I mean who amongst us hasn't had a childhood obsession to spend a fortune and run off to a fantasy land. Very real and acceptable. Right? I thought so!

In consistence with my very very realistic expectations from this trip was one very small and hardly worth mentioning request to my hubby dearest...I told him, all I wanted from this trip was 'nothing'...'nothing but perfection'! Please dont tell me it was too much to ask! For the life of me I dont know why but he seemed very tensed from then on. Et voila! all the reservations were in First class and the Hotels there had a spectacular view!  

Switzerland I did go and saw the most gorgeous mountain peaks and the pristine lakes, travelled in the most scenic trains and enjoyed the splendid cable car rides, soaked in the beauty of the serene villages and the spectacular valleys, kissed a thousand robust flowers and had fun with the flaky snow. Gosh! I really have seen it all!

From the lovely Lucern to the top of Titlis, the interesting Interlaken and the bustling Zurich, the quaint Zermatt and the the quiet St.Moritz, this place was a continuous panoramic shot, painted by 'the most talented Hand of all'.

So what if I didnt meet Raj 'there' and fall in love 'there'.... My Raj was with me and what's more and this is very important, he paid for the trip and more...
I guess its safe to say, I had it better than Simran all the while. 

This trip, apart from fulfilling my long-lasting wish to visit the Valley, taught me a great lesson in life and I hope hubby dearest is reading this, that a magic trip is just a 'request' away!

---Urooj fathima

Remembered!

What can I say that hasn’t been said before, what can I say that hasn’t been heard before and what can I say that hasn’t been written before ?

Well, it's the 11th anniversary (I do not like the word in this context!) of the dreaded 9/11 attacks. It has been a bleak decade filled with death, wars, rampant racial profiling, unemployment and recession. But today, I am not discussing the horrors or the aftermath of the attacks. I want to remember those people who died... many unawares, some prepared (the soldiers, I mean) and others just being in the wrong place at the wrong time!

My heart goes to everyone who lost their dear ones. The people in the seemingly unaware work-force, trying earn an honest day’s living, buried in their offices, the heroic firefighters who diligently answered the call of duty, dousing the billowing smoke and fire, the gallant soldiers who fought the 'war on terror’, lost their lives and limbs, exhibiting the highest spirit of nationalism. How can I forget the the unsuspecting ‘terror suspects’, the numerous men detained, tortured and mercilessly thrown into a world unknown to man and the scores of resilient civilians who saw the end of a dictatorial regime and walked right into the eye of the storm and in this case the battlefield! The proverbial ‘out of mud into the mire’ horror, that is their life today.

Images of this horrific incident are still fresh and so are the wounds inflicted by the perpetrators of terror. Numerous theories, documentaries, movies etc., debunking myths on 9/11 have occupied the centerfold of newsprint and prime-time alike. The 'Conspiracy' theory, the 'Insider trade’ theory, the ‘Fake tapes’ theory have questioned and shaken the very core of this atrocity. Whether this incident was an act of hate or tactful decision to dip into the oil wells, no one knows. Which theory is right and which is not, we may possibly never get an answer. But what is true and real, is the pain inflicted on everyone who lost their lives on that day and whose death in the years to come, can be linked back to the most dastardly act in recent history -‘9/11'. Fear of numbers anyone?

It’s 11 years today and world relations and equations with countries are more fragile than ever. Whether the ‘war on terror’ is worth the trouble is still debatable but it continues to be a difficult battle for everyone affected by the repercussions of this horrific event. Endless bloodshed, increase in crimes of hate, racial profiling, intolerance towards an entire community are all sadly, a reality.

The families have not yet recovered from their shock and loss and probably never will! Passionate discussions and debates will carry-on, new information will be discovered and the interest this topic generates, for what ever reason, will continue to grow. But today, I don’t want to take anything away and trivialize the pain of all those who are still suffering.

For, as difficult as it is to bid good-bye to those who lost their lives a little too early, on this day, all we can do is offer our sincere condolences to the of bereaving families of the victims of this tragedy.  

But for those seeking closure, it’s 11 years and still counting!

Urooj Fathima

Bored....

People ask me how does it feel to stay home, alone for most part of the day...The answer is bored of course! Finding the ‘right thing’ to do can be a lot more challenging than doing the thing ‘right’! One stays at home for a lot of reasons like taking care of the household, kids,  dislike of commute (to workplace) and I can go on...

I stayed at home after moving to a new place, quitting a job that was challenging and lovable at the same time! Thinking that after all the hard-work, I deserved a break from the rut of it all and more importantly to adapt to the new environment.

I do enjoy my ‘alone’ time, doing things that I never had the time to do before, be it as simple as catching up with friends I had lost contact with. Then there are the never ending chores of the day that need to be taken care of. But I also miss getting ready to a new challenge for the day, the fear of not being prepared well enough, getting caught off-guard, the rush every morning and the stress at the end of each day...I am certainly not the first person and surely not the last one to have this love-hate relationship with my job!

At the end of the day when my head doesn’t hurt with a throbbing pain and stress of the day, when I dont have to worry about who said what about whom, how much of it is true and more importantly not being conveniently dumped on or 'delegated’ with the work that is not remotely mine, I don’t know whether to be happy or sad...And here I thought the answer to that question is obvious!

Can work really be fun? Fun I am choosing to deprive myself of? Is it the only identity? I dont have answers for these questions yet but when I think of the extra hour of sleep on a rainy day, curled in my blanket when the whole world rushes through the traffic and all, I think I am not totally out of line to think that it is a privilege to stay back and take a break!

Let me for a while ‘work from home’...no not through the schemes that promise you ‘so many dollars’ for ‘so many hours’. Let me enjoy the time as a vacation well earned. Because sooner or later I will have to go back and be a part of the rut and when the extra work is dumped on me let me not curse myself for not enjoying today!


---Still bored
Urooj Fathima

29!

What comes to your mind when I say ‘Turning 30’? 'Old’ ? Painful’? ‘End of an era’?

Sounds complicated? God Yes! Honestly, I don’t know. I might be a while before I turn 30, but I really want to know what the big deal is! Will I be stepping in to old age? Become ancient? Boring? As I said earlier, I don’t know but I really want to know! It is a fear and a real one at that! I know I sound paranoid....but time is ticking and I am looking hither-dither for answers. Is it just me or everyone on the wrong side of 20 feeling the same?

The last time I checked, no one wants to get old. I am no exception and the last time I was hoping that time comes to halt was when I was a 'sweet’ 16 year old! I just did NOT want to turn 17. Period! Everyday (well not literally!) I knew it was an 'uphill’ journey spiraling downwards on the calendar inching closer and closer to the dreaded date that will change something very dear to me.

But I am trying to stay calm, hoping that the ‘dreaded’ birthday just comes and goes like a giant tidal wave and I will hopefully remain like a rock on the shore, strong and unperturbed!
But is it really possible to remain calm and composed when such a major change awaits you? Is it really possible to look at age as just a number? Can I make peace with the fact that whenever and wherever I mention my age, the number will no long be '20 something'? The very thought of all this is a little unnerving.

So, what is the big deal? My age, instead of starting with a ‘2' it will be ‘3’. Is it so bad? Can a 'slight’ change in the number drive me up the wall? It does not drive me mad but still does ‘something’...It bothers me! After-all, I was used to being in my 20s for the last 10 years and that is not a small time. I have definitely gotten used to it and more importantly attached to it!

All this hullabaloo over aging might sound vain and superficial but I am sure I am not the first person and will certainly not be the last one to think this way! I don’t know if there will be a physiological change or not. I am not sure what the rules are but I am definitely going to miss my 20s.

I will remember them fondly as the time I made great friends, graduated and got my first job and of course, the highpoint in life when I got married, as the journey that transformed me from a little girl into a matured individual that I am today...

Love you my 20s and its not good-bye yet!

Well, I hope to enjoy the remainder of ‘life before 30’ and ease into my 30s and rock on! I wish to create fabulous memories and live life to the fullest and hopefully when time comes to bid adieu to my 30s, the transition into 40s will make me reminisce my 30s, as fondly as I am remembering my 20s today!

Don’t you all agree?


Urooj Fathima

Bright and Sunny!

Ah! the ‘summer exuberance’ is here. Its time to celebrate, rejoice and bask in the glory of the summer sun. Open the windows and let the summer breeze in! Time to enjoy the abundance of foliage, long and warm days, the uninhibited sunshine, and even the mad rush on streets. After the pitch-dark winter this is just the ‘doctor-ordered’ sliver of gleam! 

Spring retreats and heralds the arrival of the glorious sunny days ahead. The former lays the ground work for the visual treat, the picturesque blossom, the resurrection of life itself that is the summer months. There is a spirit of joy in the air! The trees dancing as the gentle breeze naughtily hazes them, the flowers in their full bloom beckon the onlookers, as if to reach out to them, to stop them and coerce them to just look at them. Beauty, vigour and sparkle seem to be the flavour of the season.

The endless supply of sunshine translates itself as opportunity, hope and joy of life itself. Summer comes as the harbinger of love, laughter, growth and all the goodness of life. The continuous chirping of the birds, the animals grazing the lush green grass and people sunbathing, taking time to travel, kids scooting on their bicycles are a few of the fabulous gifts of summer. In fact, even in the places where summer is synonymous with heat it comes as a welcome break and a time to ‘getaway’, unwind and enjoy the many wonders of the season. 

Above all the joys that summer brings along is its enchanting warmth. This warmth gives us strength to carry on. It is a reassurance that even the bleakest of winters is not faraway from the gleeful radiance of summer. So go and ‘sweat it out’. Enjoy the summer splendour before its time to hang up the sandals and take out the duffel boots!

--Urooj Fathima

A Grown Up

The golden time, the good ol' days, a carefree world, unlimited fun...No, I am not talking about a sequel to the many prequels of 'Golmaal'... I am talking about childhood. Ah! to think of a world in which we are always taken care of... No bills or deadlines, no EMIs and for sure no heart-breaks, where the biggest worry in life is who is going to pounce on the last piece of candy at home...All this and more constitute the proverbial ‘age of innocence’. It seems like 'just yesterday’. A fond place in the golden casket of the memory lane. Where time was still but we were not.

The day began with going to school, meeting up with friends, continued with finishing the dreaded homework which was often a permission slip to go out and play!

To top this, were the diligent ‘rules’ set by our parents and if we belonged to the era of joint families, the entire brigade of ‘grown-ups’. The immutable laws included the time to wake up, set number of hours for homework, play, friends, T.V. and even sleep! Phew! At the age of 5, I didn’t know that this is going to be the cycle of my life for the next 10 years! And here I am, still reminiscing  this time and calling it the most convivial time of my life! If I am successful, you are too!

Why does this seemingly agonizing time, full of rules and regulations seem so desirable and easy? Do we hate our adult lives? Nah!  Is it the helplessness of not being able to go back in time and do all those things we think we should have? Was it the fun in breaking and sneaking past those rules? Maybe. As kids all we wanted was the love minus the punishments that we definitely got and how! We wanted to be 'independent’. Remember the 'Dhara’ advertisement in which the adorable kid is angry with everyone at home and is at the train station ready to 'leave the house’?

Back then, we had it all figured out. 'I want to become a doctor, lawyer, teacher, etc., get married and maybe have kids’. We didn’t think ‘what after that’. And I think now is the time to do that. We crossed the bridge, made it to the ‘other side’. We wanted to grow up and here we are. Time to start after the middle. Time for us to make the rules for the kids in our lives, which they will break! I think this is what is called ‘the circle of life’?

All the kids I see today are smart, intelligent, zealous and more. At the age of 6 they can teach you a few moves of chess! I think we were still learning spellings back then. All I want to tell them (and their over-competitive parents) is, just be kids for a while. Leave the laptops for the grown-ups and enjoy the sun! Get your feet dirty and your have mom go nuts over the same. Don’t let your ‘smart’ overshadow your ‘sweet’. Don’t be in a hurry to zoom past to the ‘age of experience’. Revel in the ‘age of innocence’ for a while. A little secret of life, growing up is inevitable! hush-hush ;)

Urooj Fathima